Words Unspoken
by Eoten
Summary: Ymir's thoughts after chapter 50.


___(The following text contains spoilers from the SnK manga!)_

_Hello everyone!_

_I'm pretty new at this whole fanfiction-thing since I have neither read nor written much fanfiction before. This is actually the first fanfiction I'm writing, so I'd be more than happy about feedback :)_

_About the content: I kept very close to the manga and rather __than a story with a fresh plot_, it's more like an introspection that takes place after chapter 50. I enjoyed writing those three pages, but I hope it won't be too weird to read...^^;

* * *

If there was one person who knew what death and rebirth felt like, then it would be Ymir. There was a life before she became a titan. A life before she became human again. And a life before she met Historia.

She couldn't remember everything, but fragments and little pieces of her past which resembled a huge mosaic she couldn't make sense of would briefly flicker across her inner eye from time to time. Pieces that showed people venerating Ymir-sama. People crying and begging before they were devoured. Sometimes she could even hear their screams echoing inside her.

"I'm going to check if there are any titans around."

"Don't wander too far. We might've escaped them for now, but who knows when they'll be back," Rainer warned her with a stern look on his face. The three titan shifters were hiding in the forest and recovering from the exhausting fight against the titans Eren had set on them. Rainer was still injured, it would take another few hours for his wounds to heal. Bertholdt was also near his limit, fighting his comrades and learning about Annie's situation had turned him into a nervous wreck. It was obvious that everyone badly needed a rest, and Ymir decided to clear her own mind first before she started discussing strategies with them.

The trees in the forest were so gigantic that most titans looked like midgets compared to them. Ymir carefully moved from one branch to the other until she reached the edge of the forest. From there, she could see the remains of abandoned villages scattered across the plain and the majestic mountains towering over the horizon in front of her. For a moment, she thought she could see a few riders in the distance with their green capes fluttering in wind. It turned out to be nothing more than wishful thinking.

Although she hadn't been outside the walls for a long time, the landscape seemed familiar. Only the air felt different; fresher, somehow. It was no longer the stale air inhaled by a mindless titan. Ymir couldn't pinpoint the reasons for her rebirth – the only thing she knew was that the pain and wrath that had afflicted her titan form had slowly begun to subside. As her consciousness gradually returned, her titan form began to throw up the undigested remains of people she'd devoured. One day, when she was roaming about, she found a tiny baby bird, not older than a week, hidden in the underbrush, stretching its neck with all its might and desperately squeaking for attention. She wanted to help the bird return to its nest, but was scared to hurt it – its body was so fragile and tiny compared to her huge titan hand and fingers. The moment she reached out for the baby bird, the world around her began to spin. Something like fog or smoke surrounded her, adding to her confusion. When the fog finally lifted, she was safely holding the baby bird in her shaking hands – hands that suddenly looked small and, much to her surprise, human.

She had sworn to leave all this behind on the day she had secretly entered the walls. The walls had offered her a new life over which she had full control. No sense of obligation and guilt tied her down anymore. The urge to devour that drove her mad as a titan was gone. For the first time, she was free, free from both humans and titans. She was Ymir.

Ymir stole food, clothes and money from people she neither knew nor cared about. In order to evade the police, she was always on the run and moving from town to town. Living as an outcast was difficult at times, but she prided herself in "living for herself only". To her, the midgets within the walls embodied everything that she wasn't. They lived for status, work, families and friends – thereby confining themselves, similarly to how they built the walls.

When Wall Maria was breached, Ymir was on a raid within Wall Sina, where the rich and noble people lived. There, she „met" Historia. At some point, she was surprised about herself and how badly she wanted to meet this girl in person. Was it because this girl was an outcast, just like her? Even though they had both been abandoned by the world, their attitudes were completely different. Historia was the type of person who'd rather sacrifice herself than to inflict harm upon others whereas Ymir had reached a point where she didn't care about anyone else but herself anymore. Was she disappointed by Historia's foolish behaviour? Definitely, yes. Nevertheless, Ymir also resented the people who had driven Historia into this godforsaken corner where most people ended up as titan food. The more time she spent together with Historia, the more she wanted to give her back the life and name that she was robbed of...

Ymir vividly recalled the night after Eren had plugged the hole in Wall Rose. She had been lying in her bed and thinking about the strange turn of events. Even though she hadn't expected a titan shifter to be this nearby, it somehow made sense to her. Her own experience as well as Eren's ability confirmed her suspicion that all titans had once been humans. Ymir shuffled slightly under her blanket._ 'Whatever. It's none of my business...'_ She had long lost interest in this hopeless world and felt no desire to be part of this mess again.

"..."

It was barely audible, but Ymir immediately recognized the sound. It was the sound of someone trying to stifle their sobs under their blanket next to her.

"Christa?"

There was no response. Ymir's eyebrows furrowed.

"You know I can't sleep when you're crying, right?" she snarled and sat up. A few minutes later, a pair of sky-blue eyes reluctantly peeked out from under the blanket.

"I-I'm sorry, I didn't want to wake you up..." Christa's voice was quivering.

"Seriously, you piss me off!" Ymir growled and pulled away Christa's blanket, exposing her red cheeks and snotty nose. "Is it because of Mina and the others?"

The brief silence that followed was interrupted by more sobs.

"You fool." She squeezed Christa's cheeks as she recalled the faces of their lifeless comrades. She herself was already used to death and misery, but Trost had been Christa's first real battle.

"S-sorry...it's just..."

"Christa," Ymir mumbled grimly and pulled Christa close to her. "A lot of people died today, and even more people are going to die in the future. You knew what was going to await you in the goddammned military, didn't you?"

„I know, b-but still...they were...everyone is..." She felt Christa's grip tighten around her arms. "Everyone's like the family I n-never had..."

Ymir gritted her teeth. This girl didn't belong here, just like the baby bird that had fallen out of its nest.

"I'd like to punch those bastards who wanted to see you gone." Their eyes met for a brief second before Christa nestled her head on Ymir's shoulders.

"...Don't be mad, Ymir."

"Don't tell me you aren't mad at them for treating you like shit!" When she saw that Christa wasn't going to contradict her, she added, "Some people call a goody two-shoes like you _Goddess_, but I prefer the term_ idiot_."

"...I haven't forgiven them."

"Good."

"But I am grateful."

"..."

Christa propped herself up on her elbows with an expression that somewhat resembled a smile. In fact, Ymir's dumbfounded face was enough to make anyone smile. "If it weren't for them, I wouldn't be here. I'm grateful that I got to meet you here."

For a moment, Ymir was rendered speechless. Then, slowly, she replied, "You really _are_ an idiot."

Back then, she had been afraid to admit it. She felt like she was betraying herself and her new life within the walls. She had been a failure as a human and a monster as a titan. She didn't want to be either of them again. She just wanted to be Ymir. Ymir, who didn't need the approval of others. Who neither sympathized with others nor expected others to sympathize with her.

A part of her knew that it was human nature to be connected to others. And that, even though human nature had once betrayed her, she couldn't ignore it forever. She was confronted with it whenever Connie and Sasha mentioned their home villages. She was reminded of it when she saw Eren, Mikasa and Armin in the battle of Trost. She, too, wanted a place to stay...and that place was right by Historia's side. The moment she realized this, her life became inseparable from Historia's.

When Ymir revealed her titan powers in Utgard, she chose a life with Historia over a life in detached freedom. It was a decision she made both for her own sake and for Historia's. Ironically, her choice ultimately meant to relinquish her place by Historia's side. She couldn't return to the walls anymore – the authorities would immediately seize her and Historia would be dragged down with her just after she had reclaimed her name. However, with Sasha and Connie around, Eren's newly gained ability and Commander Erwin as their leader, Historia would be alright. Within the walls, with everyone else...without Ymir.

_'How old am I, anyway?' _Ymir asked herself as she headed back to the place Rainer and Berthodt were hiding at.

Sixty, or seventy years maybe. At some point, she had stopped counting the years. Stopped trying to give herself a purpose, stopped caring. When she met Historia, those long-lost thoughts started to resurface one after the other. Historia, along with the emergence of titan shifters such as Eren, Rainer, Bertholdt and Annie, had forced Ymir back into the huge labyrinth she thought she'd left behind. Or maybe...she'd been lost in the labyrinth all along and was just refusing to walk it.

Walking the labyrinth was like a gamble. Dead ends seemed to be waiting around every corner. Siding with Rainer and Bertholdt was her best bet if she wanted to solve the mysteries and bring closure to her long, long journey. Historia had given her the courage to get involved in the world of humans again – now it was Ymir's turn to repay the kindness that an individual like her had received.

_I'm sorry, Historia._

_I'm sorry for never being honest with you._

_But most of all...thank you._

_Thank you for finding me._


End file.
